Been awhile

OK, so I have been told that I need to update my blog since its been almost a month since I have really written anything.

Robert Lee is doing really well despite the fact that it seems like every month we are fighting another ear infection. He has taken off with walking and is probably going to start running soon. He is so cute, when he is walking away from you if you say to him "I'm gonna get you" he will try to run, of course he just walks a little faster but I am sure that he will be running in no time at all.
He started day care on 11/12 and so far he is doing really well. His teachers and everyone there are really nice, very kind and caring towards him. I can tell though that he misses the one on one contact that he had with me when he was home every day since we moved to Flagstaff. At night he is so clingy, I have to make sure that I get everything done around the house that I need to get done before I go and pick him up or nothing at all would get done.
He now has 16 teeth, not sure how many they are supposed to get I think that it's 20 or something like that. I honestly can't wait for the teething to be done, he is so crabby and drools like a freaking St. Bernard all the time. The teeth on top of the cold that he caught at day care is making for a runny nose all the time and him screaming when his nose has to be wiped.
He got his first real hair cut the other day, we went to Fantastic Sam's where my mom and I both get our hair cut. The lady that cut his hair was awesome with him, didn't have any expectations that he would actually sit still for her, she just went with the flow and the clippers followed where ever his head went. We found out that since it was his first hair cut in a salon that it was free, woohoo!

As for me, things are going good. I don't regret my decision at all to leave Robert and move to Flagstaff. Sadly, I know that the relationship between Robert and I was over way before I left. It has already been over two months and I honestly haven't looked back once. On the relationship that is, I do miss working! I miss my friends at the hotel and actually getting up and going to work every day. Now my days consist of getting up and taking Robert Lee to day care and then coming home and cleaning up the house and doing some school work maybe visiting with Kelly and her boys if they come over.

So far school is going good, I have only had one class though but hey thats one less class to take :)

We are going to go to Phoenix tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving week with my family. I have a feeling that it's going to be a long week but honestly thats ok, it's nice that after 4 years of fighting with Robert about where I was going to spend the holidays that I don't have to worry about that anymore. I can go and do what I want to! I am kind of torn though, I know that I should let Brenda and Henry see Robert Lee but I just don't know if I am ready for that yet.

I am so excited!!

My car is finally ready! After being with out my car for almost 2 months, it is finally fixed and ready to be picked up! I am so excited to finally have my car back!

Rough couple of days

RL has been sick with an ear infection. He had felt warm for a couple of days and then on Monday night he was burning up with a fever of 103. I contemplated taking him into the ER since his fever was so high but decided to try a cool bath first. The bath wasnt that cool but he was shivering like crazy, Poor baby! Thankfully, between the bath and motrin his temp went down to a managable 100 degrees. I took him to the doctor on Monday and of course he has an ear infection, second one in a month!

My poor boy!

Pissed!!!!!!!!

I found out tonight that Roberts new "girlfriend" has a picture of my son on a website. I am so extremely pissed right now!! What F'in right does she have to post a picture of MY SON? I am so disgusted right now!!

No matter how pissed I am though, I WILL NOT CRY!! I will not waste any of my tears on this asshole who obviously has many issues.

He is so sick in the head it isn't even funny. I cant believe that I am going to say this but I actually feel sorry for him, he is pathetic! Who the hell in their right mind gives up a beautiful son and someone that would have loved you till the day you die for someone that they don't even know?
I just don't get it!

Child support papers have been filed

I got a call this morning from a case worker asking if I could come in today because we may qualify for emergency food stamps. So I go in to my appointment and the case worker tells me that I am also qualified to receive cash assistance since I have no income right now. OK that's great since the reason that I haven't looked for a job is because Robert has threatened to take RL from me and I feel that until I file the custody papers I should stay home to keep my son safe. One of the conditions to receiving the cash assistance is that I have to go and file with DES child support. I have been going back and forth about filing for support since I know that I will never see a cent from Robert given his track record with not working. Thankfully though I am glad that the decision was taken out of my hands!

I cant wait until the custody papers have been filed and the decision made so that I can feel safe leaving my son so that I can go back to work! I am going stir crazy from staying home every day. I am so afraid of the threats that Robert has made that I am pretty much just staying home these days unless I go somewhere with my mom. I am just not a person that was cut out to be a stay at home mom! I need to be able to get out and talk to other people, I need adult interaction!!

I really hate to be in a situation where I need food stamps and cash assistance but my son and I need to eat and its completely unfair for me to expect my mom to support us, she has her own bills that she is responsible for. Oh well, I guess I can take comfort in the fact that this is not a permanent solution, just a temporary help so that we can get back on our feet again.

Frustraed and disgusted

I am honestly just so disgusted that Robert could move on to a new relationship not even one month after we broke up. What is it with guys, why can they move on so much faster than women can? Men suck!!

Not much happening

Not a whole lot has happened this week, we have all just been sick with some flu like symptoms but we are all good now!

Robert never showed up on Friday like he said he was going to. I talked to him online on Saturday and he never mentioned anything about not coming up here to pick up RL, not like I would have let him but he never even mentioned it. RL and I moved out almost a month ago and never once has Robert asked how RL was doing, it's always him saying that I am keeping him from his son and that he is going to come and get him. Never once though has he asked how the baby is doing. It seems like this whole visitation/custody thing is just a power struggle for Robert. The sad thing is that I don't even think that he really wants RL he just wants to save face and act like he wants him. I know that Robert loves RL, well as much as a selfish person can, but I just don't believe that he knows how to be a dad. He is too wrapped up in what he wants and not what is right for our child.

I remember one time when RL was just a newborn and we were in Phoenix running errands and going to doctor appointments. RL had just been circumcised that morning and Robert was so not worried about his needs. He was not worried at all that while we were in Fry's electronics looking at stupid computer stuff, our son was in pain and just wanted to not sit in his car seat anymore. Or the many times that RL was hungry when we were out and about and Robert would insist over our screaming child that he wasn't hungry, the baby could wait to eat.

My goodness, I look back at all that stuff and think WTF was I thinking? Why did I listen to him over my mommy instinct? Why did I let him make me feel that I didn't know anything about my own child's wants and needs. I look back over the past year and I just cant believe that I listened to someone who thought that a newborn could go all night without a feeding. That I was a bad mom because my newborn wasn't on a strict feeding and napping schedule at two weeks old (only one week after getting out of the hospital). That I was a bad mom because I held my child most of the time and fed him on demand when he was a tiny baby.

I am so thankful that my son and I are out of that environment and now in a healthy, clean and safe place. Its amazing how much happier both of us are now!

It just keeps getting worse!

For Robert that is. I got a call today from Brenda, Roberts mom and the first words out of her mouth were for me to make sure that I keep a really good eye on Robert Lee and to not let him out of my sight. That of course freaked me out and of course I had to ask what was going on. She told mee that she had heard from Roberts boss that he had stolen some mail from the business and she had also heard that he had stolen a car. She hasnt talked to him so she isnt sure what his intentions are but has a feeling that he may be making a plan to come and take Robert Lee from me.

My gut feeling

Was right!!! Today I got a call from the owner of the hotel that I worked at in Wickenburg and we were talking about weather I had filed the custody papers yet. I told him that I was going to do it on 10/15 and he casually mentioned to me that he had seen Robert and it looked like he was high. So my hunch was right that he was using again. I am not sure weather he was using before we left or not but the feeling that I get is that he was. All of his actions for the last month or so that I was still living there point to him getting high, the late nights or not coming home at all, the anger, him being withdrawn, stupid me why didnt I listen to my gut then?

Frustrating & Stressful Day!!!!!

I have finally finished filling out the custody paper work and am just waiting until my pre-filing appointment on 10/15. I have barely just started this process and I am so ready to be done with it! I hate the stress that this is causing for me.

I was completely freaking out this morning after talking to Robert, so much so that I was hyperventilating and almost hysterical. I sent Robert an e mail in response to him wanting to take Robert Lee for the weekend. In the e mail I told him that I thought that it would be a great idea for him to come up here to see him but that he couldn't take him for the whole weekend. In response to that he told me that he would be up here Friday evening with the police and that they would make me let him take Robert Lee. I know that he is saying that crap because he thinks that I am some spineless person that is just going to bow down to him and let him do whatever he wants, because I used to be or so I let him think I was. Intimidation is totally his game! And, I am not falling for it!!! This smart momma called the Flagstaff PD and talked to an officer. I told him what was going on and asked him if it was possible for Robert to take the baby and the officer told me that unless there was a court order for custody, there was no way that they would let him take the baby out of my custody. He said that because we were never married that he really doesn't have any rights right now when it comes to visitation. Whew!! What a relief!! I was finally able to breathe again after hearing the officer say that.

I am very curious to see if he will show up or not. If he does then he will be surprised that I will actually have the guts to call the police on him. The momma bear in me is starting to come out and all I have to say to him, is watch out because I am not going to take anymore of his shit!!!!!

Unbelieveable!

So after two weeks of hearing absolutely nothing from Robert, he finally sends me an e-mail. When I sent out new pictures of Robert Lee I included him on the e-mail list, in his response to me he asked me if I was trying to hurt him and make him hate me more by sending him pictures of our son. Yes, that's right he said he hates me!

He sends me another e-mail today saying that he wants to take Robert Lee next weekend. When I read that my brain screamed NO! I am just so scared to trust him with my son. With the way he was acting the last couple of weeks before we left I just don't see how I can trust him enough to be responsible enough to take him for the weekend. I know that he is his dad and that he loves him but I am just scared that if I let him take him that I wont get him back. I'm sure that he said it in anger because it was said when we were in an argument but he told me that if I left him that he would take him away from me. Now that I think about it, that is a major reason of why I stayed with him for so long even though things were really crappy between us.

Finally Cried

So, I had been really good about not crying so far. Until last night, I finally broke down and cried about this whole situation. As I was having my little pity party I realized that I wasnt crying because I missed Robert (I do but not as much as I thought I would, I think its just the memory of how good of a guy he can be) but because I miss my home, even as old and run down as it was, I miss my dogs, I miss my job and my friends at my job. Most of all I was crying because I am sad that my sons father is an ass and still hasn't even called (I e-mailed him my new phone # so, no excuse there) to see how our son is. I know it's only been 9 days since we left but if it were me that was away from my son I would have been calling every day to see how he is no matter how mad I was at the person that he is with.

On a brighter note, my friend Kelly brought her 3 boys over today to play with Robert Lee. The boys had a lot of fun playing, Robert Lee had a lot of fun watching Joey and Landon play like rambunctious boys.

Where did my laid back baby go?

For the past couple of days Robert Lee has been so fussy and whiny. He is getting molars in so I know thats the reason for it but I just don't have any patience right now. I feel like such a bad mommy!
Thankfully, today he has kind of given me a break. I know that he is really hurting because he went down for a nap around noon and is still sleeping, that's 4 1/2 hours that he has slept so far.

It's Friday!

Although it's not like it really matters to me since everyday is a weekend day for me right now. I can't wait until my car is fixed so that I can really go job hunting. I am so not the type of person that can stay home all the time, I get bored and start down the depression road too easily. With all that has happened in the past couple of weeks, I was well on the road to depression already.

Weird Dreams

Let the weird dreams begin! I woke up at about 6 this morning after having a really really weird dream about Robert. In this dream I was trying to talk to him about what has been going on and he kept running from me. I guess in a way this dream was symbolic of how our relationship had been. His way of dealing with things was to not be at home or to come home late instead of sitting down in a calm matter and discussing things. He always claimed that he was willing to talk but in my opinion nothing ever was accomplished, the way I felt was that he was very close minded and didn't want to hear anything. It felt like he just wanted me to change and do all the work and he didn't want to contribute to the relationship at all.

Just another day

Today has been pretty uneventful, just stayed at home and slept for most of the day. After RL and I woke up I cleaned up the house a little bit, just the normal of picking up his toys, dishes and vacuuming.

RL is starting this new thing when he is eating, he is just taking the flavor out of what he is eating and spitting the food out once the flavor is gone. It's so frustrating! I guess it's kind of cute but with my patience being nill these days it just really frustrates me that he's not really eating anything other than dry cereal.

Having a rough day

I am having a really rough day today. I am really missing Robert and have been on the verge of tears all day. It's so hard to not see him! When you have been with someone for 4 years and uses to seeing them just about every day it really hurts that I cant see him. I know that this separation is for the best but I still miss him.

New Adventure

I have finally done it, I got up enough courage to leave Robert. I had finally had enough of the crap that was going on. I know that things havent been great or even that good for quite a while now but atleast they were bareable. I guess the events that took place in the last couple of weeks were enough to break the proverbial camels back.