Was right!!! Today I got a call from the owner of the hotel that I worked at in Wickenburg and we were talking about weather I had filed the custody papers yet. I told him that I was going to do it on 10/15 and he casually mentioned to me that he had seen Robert and it looked like he was high. So my hunch was right that he was using again. I am not sure weather he was using before we left or not but the feeling that I get is that he was. All of his actions for the last month or so that I was still living there point to him getting high, the late nights or not coming home at all, the anger, him being withdrawn, stupid me why didnt I listen to my gut then?
I have finally finished filling out the custody paper work and am just waiting until my pre-filing appointment on 10/15. I have barely just started this process and I am so ready to be done with it! I hate the stress that this is causing for me.
I was completely freaking out this morning after talking to Robert, so much so that I was hyperventilating and almost hysterical. I sent Robert an e mail in response to him wanting to take Robert Lee for the weekend. In the e mail I told him that I thought that it would be a great idea for him to come up here to see him but that he couldn't take him for the whole weekend. In response to that he told me that he would be up here Friday evening with the police and that they would make me let him take Robert Lee. I know that he is saying that crap because he thinks that I am some spineless person that is just going to bow down to him and let him do whatever he wants, because I used to be or so I let him think I was. Intimidation is totally his game! And, I am not falling for it!!! This smart momma called the Flagstaff PD and talked to an officer. I told him what was going on and asked him if it was possible for Robert to take the baby and the officer told me that unless there was a court order for custody, there was no way that they would let him take the baby out of my custody. He said that because we were never married that he really doesn't have any rights right now when it comes to visitation. Whew!! What a relief!! I was finally able to breathe again after hearing the officer say that.
I am very curious to see if he will show up or not. If he does then he will be surprised that I will actually have the guts to call the police on him. The momma bear in me is starting to come out and all I have to say to him, is watch out because I am not going to take anymore of his shit!!!!!
So after two weeks of hearing absolutely nothing from Robert, he finally sends me an e-mail. When I sent out new pictures of Robert Lee I included him on the e-mail list, in his response to me he asked me if I was trying to hurt him and make him hate me more by sending him pictures of our son. Yes, that's right he said he hates me!
He sends me another e-mail today saying that he wants to take Robert Lee next weekend. When I read that my brain screamed NO! I am just so scared to trust him with my son. With the way he was acting the last couple of weeks before we left I just don't see how I can trust him enough to be responsible enough to take him for the weekend. I know that he is his dad and that he loves him but I am just scared that if I let him take him that I wont get him back. I'm sure that he said it in anger because it was said when we were in an argument but he told me that if I left him that he would take him away from me. Now that I think about it, that is a major reason of why I stayed with him for so long even though things were really crappy between us.
So, I had been really good about not crying so far. Until last night, I finally broke down and cried about this whole situation. As I was having my little pity party I realized that I wasnt crying because I missed Robert (I do but not as much as I thought I would, I think its just the memory of how good of a guy he can be) but because I miss my home, even as old and run down as it was, I miss my dogs, I miss my job and my friends at my job. Most of all I was crying because I am sad that my sons father is an ass and still hasn't even called (I e-mailed him my new phone # so, no excuse there) to see how our son is. I know it's only been 9 days since we left but if it were me that was away from my son I would have been calling every day to see how he is no matter how mad I was at the person that he is with.
On a brighter note, my friend Kelly brought her 3 boys over today to play with Robert Lee. The boys had a lot of fun playing, Robert Lee had a lot of fun watching Joey and Landon play like rambunctious boys.
For the past couple of days Robert Lee has been so fussy and whiny. He is getting molars in so I know thats the reason for it but I just don't have any patience right now. I feel like such a bad mommy! Thankfully, today he has kind of given me a break. I know that he is really hurting because he went down for a nap around noon and is still sleeping, that's 4 1/2 hours that he has slept so far.
Although it's not like it really matters to me since everyday is a weekend day for me right now. I can't wait until my car is fixed so that I can really go job hunting. I am so not the type of person that can stay home all the time, I get bored and start down the depression road too easily. With all that has happened in the past couple of weeks, I was well on the road to depression already.
Let the weird dreams begin! I woke up at about 6 this morning after having a really really weird dream about Robert. In this dream I was trying to talk to him about what has been going on and he kept running from me. I guess in a way this dream was symbolic of how our relationship had been. His way of dealing with things was to not be at home or to come home late instead of sitting down in a calm matter and discussing things. He always claimed that he was willing to talk but in my opinion nothing ever was accomplished, the way I felt was that he was very close minded and didn't want to hear anything. It felt like he just wanted me to change and do all the work and he didn't want to contribute to the relationship at all.
Today has been pretty uneventful, just stayed at home and slept for most of the day. After RL and I woke up I cleaned up the house a little bit, just the normal of picking up his toys, dishes and vacuuming.
RL is starting this new thing when he is eating, he is just taking the flavor out of what he is eating and spitting the food out once the flavor is gone. It's so frustrating! I guess it's kind of cute but with my patience being nill these days it just really frustrates me that he's not really eating anything other than dry cereal.
I am having a really rough day today. I am really missing Robert and have been on the verge of tears all day. It's so hard to not see him! When you have been with someone for 4 years and uses to seeing them just about every day it really hurts that I cant see him. I know that this separation is for the best but I still miss him.
I have finally done it, I got up enough courage to leave Robert. I had finally had enough of the crap that was going on. I know that things havent been great or even that good for quite a while now but atleast they were bareable. I guess the events that took place in the last couple of weeks were enough to break the proverbial camels back.